Christie Takes Job as Jets Linebacker

"I'll punch anybody in the face"says combative candidate

Posted by Roger Kerson, 1:15 pm August 14th

East Rutherford, New Jersey -- The New York Jets announced today they have signed Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ) to a new position as a reserve linebacker for the troubled football team. He replaces Ikemefuna Enemkpali, who was cut by the team - and quickly signed by the Buffalo Bills -- after punching teammate Geno Smith, breaking the jaw of the Jet's starting quarterback.

"I'll punch anybody in the face," said the famously combative Christie, currently a long-shot candidate for the 2016 GOP nomination.

The Jets have only one Super Bowl victory in their 55-year history. "This franchise has a storied tradition of signing players who are 100% unqualified to sit on the bench, much less play in an NFL game," said General Manager Mike Maccagnan. "When it comes to 100% unqualified, nobody beats Chris Christie."

Christie, who has been frequently absent from his home state in recent months, asserted he would have no difficulty adding "linebacking, or whatever you call it" to his current duties as governor and presidential candidate. The Jets, he noted, play and practice in Meadowlands Arena, just over an hour's drive from the New Jersey state capitol in Trenton.

"This is basically a once-a-week gig," said the governor. "How hard could it be?" 

When asked earlier this month "Who deserves a punch in the face?" Christie answered instantly: "The national teachers union." Today, he claimed that his new role attacking professional football players would be much easier.

"Seriously, who do you think is tougher," explained Christie. "A veteran teacher who deals with screaming kids all day, and who I personally fucked out of their pension? Or some candyass overpaid athlete who hasn't done a real day's work in long pants his entire life?"

"Anybody who asks me that kind of dumb question again, I won't even bother to hit you in the face. I will hit you below the belt, or wherever it is you bleed from."

Roger Kerson never played tackle football as a child and is still scarred from his lack of experience. The opinions expressed here are his own, as are some of the facts. 

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